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#iwillwhatiwant
The other day I woke up with an all too familiar feeling in my gut: insecurity. Why does it constantly root in my core. This is not a question I want answered, it's a statement about the power our insecurities have over us. To know that they don't go away but rather that we learn to silence them. This has been the most important lesson I've learned in my running journey. But silencing them is not enough. The next step in my journey is to make the voices of encouragement, confidence and self-love fill the silence. This is my next goal. This is me learning to 'own it'. A few weeks ago I was presented with a mind shifting and heart filling gift. A friend of mine, a true and remarkable artist Rebecca O'Brien, created a work of art inspired by a photo she took of me a couple of years ago. The moment was quick and simple. I was sporting some henna on my right shoulder and while proudly showing it off, she, like the true artist she is, asked me to, no joke, "hold that pose". I did as asked and we, as Becs describes it, had "a moment". She took a few pictures and talked about creating a piece with the image. As flattered as I was, I couldn't have predicted that it would take almost two years until that moment was captured in a breathtaking China ink piece. She debuted that and other exquisite works at her art show themed "Lines And Strokes" last week here in Shenzhen. She entitled my piece 'Own It'. Seeing the piece up close, the precision of creating each layer of ink, layers ranging from light and dark, the watermarks and outlines of my skin... it rendered me speechless. I was face to face with what I can only describe as a beautiful depiction of my truth. Because. That night. That night when Becs captured that powerful moment, there was more to it than met the unartistic eye. In the few weeks prior to that night, I had found out I was pregnant. Pregnant for the second time in my life. See, a year and a half before that night, I had had a miscarriage. A crippling one (aren't they all?). I've never spoken about it publicly until now. It has taken me four years to be able to, but it's pertinent for this moment for me to do so. Because. That night, the parasite of insecurity had rooted in all my being. I had spotted during those first few weeks of pregnancy, every spot a reminder of what had happened a year and a half prior and with it the terrifying feeling that it might happen again. Miscarriages are not often talked about and they should be. They happen to many of us, most of whom feel alone and ashamed. This is the wrong type of silence as the insecurities that come with being a woman are louder and more present than ever when one miscarries. That night I was the happiest at my pregnancy and the most frightened at the same time. I was gathering all the emotional strength I could muster to take it one day at a time and be "ready" in case I miscarried again. And somehow, as only an artist can, Becs captured that inner struggle. The emotion of it, the rare beauty that only comes from the subtle yet powerful presence of quiet strength. Without knowing it, I was owning it. Like the great teacher that she is (yes, Rebecca is an outstanding educator as well, not to mention a wake-up-tomorrow-and-run-a-half-marathon-with-no-training type of runner; there's nothing this woman can't do!); Becs took me through the process of the creation of the piece, how she was inspired (?!) by me to create it. She complimented me beyond anything I could've ever expected. She said I was 'a model' of something she wanted to be herself; she told me I was 'always present' in any interaction; she pointed out my 'feminine strength' and said that I just 'own it'. She has no idea what that all meant for me to hear. She fed my soul. I tried to reciprocate the words but again I was rendered silent. But oh if only she knew how I admire her just as much, how brave I think she is for pursuing her passion and answering her artist's calling, how I could never compliment her at the same caliber she has done with me and how I wish I could. Her words. This is one of the voices that I have to fill the silence with. This is what keeps those insecurities at bay. This is my next challenge: to own it every day. Yesterday I ran a 32min 5k. I hadn't done that since before I got pregnant. I feel I'm finally getting back to being the runner I was before my baby boy was in my life, before the night Becs took that picture. And at the same time, I'm not the same person, one with a different mindset. Insecurities will try to root, but I will silence them. I will let the voices of strength speak loud and proud. Because. I own it. If you have suffered the loss of a miscarriage or know someone who has, this is a great article with some advice about how to get you started on the path of healing.
5 Comments
Heather
3/7/2017 05:55:06 pm
I'm sitting on my couch, in silence, after a long day of work...wishing that you were right around the corner so I could hug you and tell you all the ways you've always inspired me. My friend, we are all on that same journey, and we all must be present enough, to help lift each other, as we fight to lift ourselves. Love always.
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NoTHORious
3/8/2017 05:36:22 am
You are an amazing woman Ceci! Nothing but love for you and your ability to own it! Whatever "it" is you've done an amazing job making it yours, and you've got to boys in your life that are lucky to be a husband and blessed to be a son! Love you lady!
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BabyDaddy
3/8/2017 12:57:10 pm
I'm sorry I just got around to reading this. This is your most powerful piece. I've known you for way too long and have been the one to tell you that you do in fact, always have owned it. But I am glad to see that this beautiful work of art has helped you solidify that feeling. I'm sure many women feel like Rebecca does and many guys too about you. Insecurity is inside all of us but our actions speak louder. Your actions as a mother, a professional, a friend and a family member show that you own it every single day. I'm proud of the woman I married. You are a true example of why we need to celebrate women more often. 143
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Rebecca O'Brien
3/10/2017 05:25:30 am
Well.. once again. You just owned the shit out of it.
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"She walks in beauty, like the night
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Ceci Gomez-GalvezOriginally from Guatemala, I've been living overseas for 11 years (Italy, China). I'm a runner who learns at every step. |